That post inspired the following list, which I'd like to call "Ten questions you should never ask a new mom," the responses to which I wish had the balls to repeat each time I'm asked any of them.
(Note: I realize that these questions are, more often than not, asked out of love, so no, I'm not truly pissed off when people ask them. It's just that these questions cover the subjects about which I am either a) the most self-conscious or b) the most frustrated. They are also -- whaddya know?! -- the subjects that come up ad nauseum and therefore have to talk about again and again. I know my friends, family, and perfect strangers mean well when they ask them. It's just that I'm kinda sick of answering them.)
Ten questions you should never ask a new mom:
- Is she sleeping through the night yet? No. Not even a little. And if you tell me once more about your friend's baby who slept through the night at 3 weeks, or about how "a little formula might work," I'm gonna lose it.
- When are you going back to work? I. Don't. Know. Do I want to? Not really. But also, yeah. Have I considered daycare? Of course, but again, I'm not there yet. I'll let you know if and when I'm returning to work.
- Wow! She's so [big/little]! How much does she weigh?! Oh, did I forget to mention I'm [overfeeding her/starving her]? That's what accounts for her size. Not like, genetics, or her metabolism, or randomness, or anything. But I appreciate you taking the time to point out how [huge/petite] she is. (See also: What size clothes is she wearing?!!? My baby wore 9-month onesies at 2 months! etc.)
- When are you going to wean? Again, I don't know. It's personal. It's not really like going on a diet, where you all of a sudden alter your eating habits. It's a gradual process. I'm not ready to stop breastfeeding yet, and when I am ... I'm not going to tell you anyway.
- Are you still running? Now, this, I admit, is a fair question. A question about ME. However: Try not to look at my midsection when you ask this, nor at the bags under my eyes or the spit-up on my shirt. I'm really busy right now, and really, I'd rather be running than talking to you about not running.
- When are you gonna let her cry it out? Probably never. Next question?
- Has your hair been falling out? My sister/friend/coworker's hair fell out! Yes, and thanks for noticing. What, you don't like the strands of hair on my sweater?
- When's the next one? ... Next what? Oh, NEXT BABY?! Geez. Again, personal! And also: I can't even frickin' IMAGINE that right now. But I'll tell you what, once we start trying again I'll announce it on Facebook, k?
- Why didn't you send out a birth announcement? The same reason I still haven't finished sending all the thank-you notes: because I'm lazy.
- Wow, you take her out to restaurants? Why yes. How else will she learn good manners AND good taste?