That Mom Friday: Dirty Little Secrets

I realized I haven't done "That Mom Friday" in awhile. Which I consider to be a good thing, because it could potentially mean I haven't felt like "that mom" recently enough to warrant writing about it.

However: I did come across something great in a book I'm reading (well, in the bathroom, which is the only reading time I get nowadays...) The book is called I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood (by Trishia Ashworth and Amy Mobile).

It provides a truthful look at how moms beat themselves up on a daily basis when they take stock of all the things they're not doing instead of taking pride in what they are doing. The book has helpful and funny ways of learning to stop comparing ourselves to other mothers and just enjoy time with our kids.

Every few pages or so, there's a little part of the page sectioned off for a "Dirty Little Secret," where moms confess things they've done that maybe they're not so proud of -- or simply things to get them through the day. A couple of my favorites are:

• "I tell my daughter, 'You are only two years old. It says right here on the package you can only have two cookies.'" (page 146)
• "I tell lies. Soccer's been canceled; we can't go. Or the pool's not open; we can't go." (page 142)

and, my personal favorite, one I can definitely relate to:

• "I like to go to Starbucks alone. I like the adult sippy cup. I get to drink the whole coffee while it's still hot without interruption. My 'latte name' is Kim, and in my mind she's still single and living in the city with no kids." (page 165)

This makes me think I ought to come up with one or two of my own. Of course, they won't be secrets, because I'm sharing them, but it'll be nice to get it off my chest. Ok, here's one:

• Some days, when Derek is working late and I have a lot of stuff I have to do, I just want to keep putting Lorelei back into the swing after each feeding so that she'll be occupied and I won't have to hold her all day!!

Before I became a mom, I had plenty too, such as ...

• I would be happy if I never had to work again. I don't think I'd ever get bored of sitting around watching TV all day.
• Sometimes I think I am always looking for something to be stressed/upset about. I can't just let myself be content and happy. If I'm having a perfect day, suddenly I'll look for what's wrong, such as that load of laundry that has to get done or the fact that I should have run 4 miles instead of 3.

What are some of your "dirty little secrets?"

I vow...

...to never:

Refer to the bathroom as the "potty" in the company of adults.

Post every single milestone my kid does on Facebook as if she's the first kid to have ever smiled, rolled over, or taken a crap having the consistency of peanut butter.

Identify myself as "Lorelei's mommy" instead of by my name.

That's all that comes to mind right now, but those were the ones bugging me today!

Ten questions you should never ask a new mom

The other day, I came across this masterpiece on Twitter, posted by ScaryMommy (read her blog here). It was written by PregnantChicken and totally summed up how I felt during pregnancy.

That post inspired the following list, which I'd like to call "Ten questions you should never ask a new mom," the responses to which I wish had the balls to repeat each time I'm asked any of them.

(Note: I realize that these questions are, more often than not, asked out of love, so no, I'm not truly pissed off when people ask them. It's just that these questions cover the subjects about which I am either a) the most self-conscious or b) the most frustrated. They are also -- whaddya know?! -- the subjects that come up ad nauseum and therefore have to talk about again and again. I know my friends, family, and perfect strangers mean well when they ask them. It's just that I'm kinda sick of answering them.)

Ten questions you should never ask a new mom:

1. Is she sleeping through the night yet? No. Not even a little. And if you tell me once more about your friend's baby who slept through the night at 3 weeks, or about how "a little formula might work," I'm gonna lose it.
2. When are you going back to work? I. Don't. Know. Do I want to? Not really. But also, yeah. Have I considered daycare? Of course, but again, I'm not there yet. I'll let you know if and when I'm returning to work.
3. Wow! She's so [big/little]! How much does she weigh?! Oh, did I forget to mention I'm [overfeeding her/starving her]? That's what accounts for her size. Not like, genetics, or her metabolism, or randomness, or anything. But I appreciate you taking the time to point out how [huge/petite] she is. (See also: What size clothes is she wearing?!!? My baby wore 9-month onesies at 2 months! etc.)
4. When are you going to wean? Again, I don't know. It's personal. It's not really like going on a diet, where you all of a sudden alter your eating habits. It's a gradual process. I'm not ready to stop breastfeeding yet, and when I am ... I'm not going to tell you anyway.
5. Are you still running? Now, this, I admit, is a fair question. A question about ME. However: Try not to look at my midsection when you ask this, nor at the bags under my eyes or the spit-up on my shirt. I'm really busy right now, and really, I'd rather be running than talking to you about not running.
6. When are you gonna let her cry it out? Probably never. Next question?
7. Has your hair been falling out? My sister/friend/coworker's hair fell out! Yes, and thanks for noticing. What, you don't like the strands of hair on my sweater?
8. When's the next one? ... Next what? Oh, NEXT BABY?! Geez. Again, personal! And also: I can't even frickin' IMAGINE that right now. But I'll tell you what, once we start trying again I'll announce it on Facebook, k?
9. Why didn't you send out a birth announcement? The same reason I still haven't finished sending all the thank-you notes: because I'm lazy.
10. Wow, you take her out to restaurants? Why yes. How else will she learn good manners AND good taste?

Feel free to add your own in the comments!