Back to the land of the living (and working)

It's been almost 9 weeks since Reina was born -- wow, that totally flew by! Overall, it has been a more delightful, easier ride than with Lorelei as an infant. Not to say that Reina is an "easy baby" or anything, but she doesn't spend all her waking hours screaming for hours on end. She (kind of) sleeps at night, though not "through the night." She's only done that a handful of times, and I'm trying my best not to stress about what conditions caused that. Probably none. Just randomness.

I'm getting back to myself in a couple of ways. I feel fully recovered at this point (though still tired). I have run a total of one time since I had her -- but I plan on running today. Let's see if that happens... And I have decided to go back to work.

When I say "go back to work," I don't mean return to the job I had before. That position ended at the end of the school year and I was unsure whether I would just stay at home with the girls or try to find work. While I've been having a lovely maternity "vacation" -- Lorelei still went to her babysitter while I stayed at home with Reina -- that was not exactly sustainable, for a number of reasons. If I decided not to return to the working world, I'd be committing to staying home with both kids. Lorelei's babysitter is a wonderful person and has been the best possible option for our family until now. I wouldn't want to lose her either.

So, starting Monday, I will be going to a new job and both children will be with the sitter. I am very excited, but of course there will probably be many tearful mornings when I simply will not be liking this at all. When the snow is falling, I'm going to curse myself for making this decision. When the babysitter tells me of something amazing either of the girls did, I'm going to wonder why I decided not to be there for those milestones.

But I have come to realize this about myself: I need to work. Not only to contribute to our family's income, but also to feel a social connection outside of my children and husband. Plus, I need to fulfill a creative, productive urge that has nothing to do with my kids. It's kind of ironic, actually, because I work with children in my field. But it's just different. I can't explain it.

I know a few moms who have recently decided to become stay-at-home-moms instead of going to work. That is totally cool too. I did that with Lorelei. But I couldn't help feeling trapped as a stay-at-home mom. Maybe it's because I didn't find a great group of moms in my area to hang out with. I went to a breastfeeding support group, and a moms group, once in awhile, but neither were close to where we lived. I also felt -- and still feel, to a certain extent -- a healthy dose of anxiety when it comes to constantly being with groups of moms and their kids (and my own). I always feel as though my kid is going to do something "wrong," or that I'll get ostracized or something. I know that sounds ridiculous. But it's not easy to just "put yourself out there" and trust that everyone has those irrational fears.

So anyway. Life's going to get crazy here for awhile (possibly forever). But I hope I can still check in from time to time.

P.S. Any moms who happen to be reading this who have done partial weaning (nursing morning and night but formula feeding during the day), I'd love to hear how it went for you! Looking forward to having this uncomfortable period, where my supply is reorganizing itself, to be overwith. Thanks!

I've run an average of 0.114583 per day this year!

I just looked at my daily mile stats, and so far I've run a total of ... wait for it ... 11 miles in 2011!! Haha! That is hysterical. It feels like more than that. Oh well. At least I've run 6 of those 11 miles during this week alone!

Ok, so less than a week until the 5K. Two things that are bugging me:

1. I think I might be starting to get a little bit sick. The plus? I don't feel too much worse today than I did yesterday, and in fact I think I feel better this morning than I did last night. Good sign. So far, I've just got a teeny scratchy throat, dry cough, and feeling fatigued. No other cold symptoms yet. Derek has been dealing with an awful cough, though, for what seems like weeks now. Actually, it's been a little over a week. Ugh, I hope I don't get what he had. And I also hope that Lorelei doesn't get it.
2. It's supposed to rain next weekend. While I've not only run in the rain (sorta fun), but also raced in the rain (really fun, but really hard), it's not the best opportunity for my family to stand outside to cheer me on. That kinda sucks, because mom and Jack are coming in on Thursday and part of Saturday was going to be them coming to the race. Well, I guess I'll look online at the course, and see if there's a nearby store they can wait in until I pass by, or until I finish.

Other than that, it's just another day here in the Cleve! Oh, except that I recently made a decision: we've started to supplement Lorelei's diet with a little bit of formula. As I agonized about in great length in another post or two, it's really kind of ... sucking the life out of me (no pun intended, lol). So I am still breastfeeding, but also giving her up to 2 ounces or so of formula per day if she is still hungry soon after nursing. This gives me a physical and mental break, and it also takes the pressure off to pump if I have to be away from her for a few hours at night -- something that I seriously need to do once in a while or I'm gonna lose it! So since we started this (last week), I have been feeling a lot happier in general. We're using Gerber Good Start Gentle Plus, and it's worked out great. No weird reactions, no refusing a bottle, etc. Great relief.

Oh, another thing: I'm going to start reviewing the ABC Family show Make It Or Break It on Mondays/early Tuesdays from now on! If any of you watch the show (or even if you don't, haha) feel free to check it out at CliqueClack TV's website.

How is everyone's Monday going?

NIP (Nursing in Planes)

So this weekend, Derek, Lorelei and I went to a wedding in Panama City Beach, Florida. (It was his old college roommate getting married.) Let me break down the travel for you:

It was SUPPOSED to be Cleveland to Memphis to Panama City. But it ended up being...

Cleveland to...wait, up in the air a malfunction was discovered. Emergency landing in Louisville. Wait an hour. Get to Memphis with 15 minutes to catch connecting flight...have to wait for stroller at gate. RUN like a mofo (well, at least I got a workout in!) across the whole airport only to find that the plane had already left, and it wasn't even time yet. And it was the last direct flight to Panama City. Apparently, they now have to leave ten minutes early. Well, then why not make the departure time ten minutes earlier? Rude.

We got on another flight, but to Atlanta and then Panama City. Same gate though! So same plane. Cool. Until there was a gate change, and we had to gather all our stuff yet again. We finally got to Florida after four planes and five airports. Then of course we had to drive an hour to the hotel in the pouring rain! Nope, Florida was not warm and sunny. It was cool and soggy.

I figure, if I could survive that with a baby, then I can survive any travel hell.

I think if there were any positive that came from this, it was my ability to become slightly more comfortable with nursing in public. Or, in this case, nursing in planes. I pretty much got it down to a science by the end, where nobody really had to see anything (and, by the way, if they have a problem with it, then they can look away. They don't HAVE to stare at me!).

I think the worst part of traveling with an infant was going through security. I thought that was a pain in the ass before....wow, nothing compares to having a bunch of your own stuff plus baby crap. That has to be folded or collapsed and shoved through the scanner, all the whie somehow holding your child.I also got the "Do you have her formula?" question a bunch of times from the security agents...when I said "No," they looked at me like I had three heads. WHAT? No formula? Haha.

"Watching" the superbowl tonight, which pretty much means I'm on theipad and eating while everyone around me is screaming at the TV. Fun!

BF: Not my Best Friend

So, Lorelei is almost 10 weeks old now. In a few more weeks, she'll turn 3 months old (crazy!).

My mother-in-law, "C," told me that when her daughter "M" had her two babies, that she breast fed them for 3 months. "That was enough for her," C said. "She was very committed to it, but 3 months was when she just said, "Okay, moving to formula."

When I first heard this, I have to say, I felt a little bit of pride (or maybe it was self-righteousness?) well up inside  of me. Three months!? HA! I'm doing a YEAR! Six months, at minimum. 3 months is NOTHING!

Um....can we make it to three months, already?!

It's not that I am wanting to quit nursing. It's just that I am...considering it. The most important reason is because after all this time, I'm still in pain. There are other reasons that I could add, and which I will add, when weighing the options of this decision. But the only reason I am even thinking about stopping is the pain.

Here's a pro/con list...

PROS: Continue Breastfeeding Because..

• It's best for Lorelei
• It's "easy" (no bottles to make or clean up)
• It's portable
• She gains immunity and will rarely get sick (I pass my antibodies on to her through the milk)
• Easily digestible for Lorelei; fewer stomach problems (potentially)
• Diapers are more "pleasant" (ha ha), less constipation
• Weight-loss booster for me
• Strong bonding sessions between us
• It doesn't cost a cent
• less spitting up/gassiness

CONS: Stop Breastfeeding at 3 Months Because...

• Pain while nursing (left side only); excruciating at times, other times merely bearable (with Advil).
• Recurring clogged ducts and nipple blisters/blebs
• Mastitis - for me, the agony of this infection was worse than labor. I have to take Lecithin, a supplement which helps your milk flow easier, 3 times a day or else the clogs come back.
• Freedom to go out and leave baby with Derek or sitter without having to pump.
• Freedom to drink alcohol without worrying about it getting to the baby.
• Freedom to eat anything I please without worrying about reactions/sensitivities (this was a huge problem before, but she has since outgrown the dairy allergy, THANK GOD!, so that's not really an issue. However, sometimes she has horrible gas/fussiness and we can't pinpoint whether it's something I've eaten that is troubling her.)
• Can still bond with bottle, as long as I maintain eye contact and snuggle while feeding her.
• Derek can have more of an active role in feedings (right now he feeds a bottle about 2x or 3x/week total). This is nice so he can spend more time with Lorelei, but also to relieve me "from my duties" and allow me some more sleep.
• Unconfirmed - but theories are that formula-fed babies sleep longer because they are fuller longer, whereas breastfed babies wake more often to feed. Right now Lorelei is waking a minimum of 2x/night to eat and I am getting choppy, restless sleep because of it.
• No more NIP (nursing in public). Oh, how I hate that. Or nursing in the car. Or in a public bathroom. God I hate that. I do have a nursing cover, but it's awkward and I am such a modest person that I really feel uncomfortable with NIP.
• No more worrying about pumping. I am SO SICK OF PUMPING. Pumping to maintain or build supply, pumping to relieve clogs or PREVENT clogs, pumping to empty the breast if she falls asleep, pumping to have a bottle for Derek in case I have somewhere else to be. Plus I am having very little success while pumping. Not really getting a lot of milk. It's almost better sometimes if I hand-express it. Which is ridiculous and takes FOREVER. Thank god I don't have to go back to work now, because I have nothing saved up at all.
• Which leads to....no more feeling incompetent or like a failure. :( Of course, I WILL most definitely feel like a failure for probably a couple weeks when I do decide to stop BFing (provided it's before six months). But right now, I have so many questions. Is she getting enough? Is she gaining enough weight? Is she happy at the breast, or frustrated? Is she constantly hungry? Is she just comfort nursing? With formula (or at least with a bottle - even of expressed milk), I know what she's eating and it's not a guessing game. I know that "we produce what our baby needs" and that nature is a remarkable thing, but I can't help but wonder sometimes if she is unhappy because I am not giving her enough milk. Sometimes I feel as though my right side (which, luckily, never hurts while she nurses) hardly produces anything at all, whereas my left side, my super producer, is the one that KILLS when she nurses. I have seen an LC more than once, have attended multiple breastfeeding classes and groups, have seen a nurse from the OB-GYN's office who specializes in BFing, and have had a nurse come to the house to coach me with her. I have tried a nipple shield. And then a different nipple shield. The left side STILL HURTS. I am so frustrated and don't know what to do!!! Hence feeling like a failure.
• Possibly, but maybe not - I will stop being a total bitch due to being overtired and cranky. Maybe I will have more energy and be nice to Derek instead of snapping at him. Maybe I will have more patience with Lorelei when she is screaming and crying, instead of crying myself and passing her off to Derek so I can cry in the shower.

Whew.

As you can probably tell, this is a highly sensitive, emotional decision for me. It consumes most of my day. It's not an easy decision to make. And the question I guess becomes, whose health is more "important?" Mine, or Lorelei's? Yes, BFing provides her with everything she needs. It is the "perfect food." But is that more important than having a mom who is happy and well-rested? Who has more energy to take care of her and play with her because she is not throughly exhausted and both physically and emotionally drained every day?

I do want to wait until three months, though, because I have heard that things improved drastically at this point for most babies, even ones with colic (which I am pretty sure Lorelei has). Maybe once she starts sleeping more and being less irritable, I will relax, produce more milk, be less stressed, etc. Maybe the pain will subside, like so many BFing veterans have told me. Maybe.

I guess I'll just have to see what three months will bring.

Never leave home without these five things

1. Pacifier
2. Change of clothes for baby
3. Ziploc bags to put gross things in
4 and 5. Your boobs.


Today Lorelei had to have an ultrasound of her hip done. I made sure I nursed for as long as she wanted before leaving. However, low and behold, she was hungry again during the ultrasound! (growth spurt, probably).

Anyway, the technician could not get a good picture because of Lorelei's fussing and squirming. She asked if I had a pacifier, and I said no. I didnt think to bring a bottle of breast milk either since we were gone such a short time. I tried giving my pinky...nope, not good enough!

The technician said, "We have some sugar water. Can we give it to her?" I almost gave in, but then said, "This is gong to sound weird, but can I breastfeed while you give the exam?" to which she replied, "Of course!"

So I leaned over and nursed her and the tech got her pictures!!! LOL! It wasn't too comfortable to bend over, but oh well. It had to be done.

Of course, in true baby fashion, she dirtied not one, but TWO sheets, and three towels. Yep, she peed twice, and sharted twice. Nice job little one!